


Only Just Bearable

by KahtyaSofia



Series: Captain's Blog - S1 [8]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: Out of Time, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-14
Updated: 2009-11-14
Packaged: 2017-10-02 19:15:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KahtyaSofia/pseuds/KahtyaSofia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack reaches out to Ianto following the events with those who are out of their time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only Just Bearable

Jack reached over and shut off the engine. Operating by feel, he dialed Ianto's mobile.

"You know where we are?" He asked when Ianto answered. Hearing the affirmative, he continued, "Grab a taxi so you can drive the SUV back to the Hub." Jack was relieved when Ianto didn't question, just complied with the order. That unquestioning cooperation was just one of the things Jack had truly come to appreciate about Ianto.

Jack sat at his desk with his fingers wrapped around the snifter in front of him. He was aware of Ianto's quiet presence in the office, but neither of them spoke for a long while.

Jack tossed back the last of the contents of his glass. "If I need to, I'll get you a new car." He told Ianto, knowing he didn't have to elaborate for Ianto. He'd grown so used to being alone over the decades that Ianto's peaceful and soothing way of dealing with stressful events and Jack's darker moods had become a welcome balm.

"We'll deal with that if and when we need to, Sir." Jack heard the soft, non-committal reply before they lapsed in to silence again.

After a long interval, Jack felt the need to tell Ianto, "You should go home now."

"I'll leave when I feel it's the right time, Sir." Came the reply and Jack felt a surprising sense of relief.

Jack leaned his head against the back of his chair. "Would you like some tea, Sir?" He heard Ianto ask quietly.

"No." Jack whispered. "But thank you, Ianto." He was so tired. He didn't think he could lift his head to take himself down to his bed.

After another long interval of silence, Jack heard Ianto's plaintive question. "Is there _anything_ I can do for you, Jack?"

"Just be you, Ianto." Jack heard himself saying. "Just be you, for me."

Jack wasn't sure how long the silence lasted, but at last he asked Ianto, "Could you help me down to my bunk?"

"Of course, Jack." Came the soft reply. Gentle hands began to help him ease out of his chair. He didn't have much choice but to get himself down the ladder, but once there, he gave himself over to Ianto's care.

Jack felt his clothing removed and he allowed himself to be placed under the blankets. The soft rustle of clothing told him Ianto was hanging up his clothes. Rock steady, Ianto.  Always there, knowing just what he needed and when he needed it.

"See you in the morning then, Jack." Ianto's soft voice drifted through the darkness.

Suddenly desperate not to be alone, Jack extended a hand in to the darkness. "Ianto." Was all he said.

He heard further sounds of clothes rustling then felt the bed dip as Ianto slipped under the blankets with him. Jack wrapped his arm around Ianto's waist in order to pull him closer. He pressed the front of his body to the length of Ianto's back. Jack buried his face in Ianto's neck and inhaled deeply. He was chagrined to hear his own shaky exhalation. Jack felt Ianto lace his fingers with the hand Jack had wrapped around his waist.

The gesture cost Jack what was left of his composure. He felt his body begin to tremble and warm tears filled his eyes as he struggled to blink them back. His thoughts drifted back to his last conversation with John. Had he failed to talk the man out of giving up on living because he himself was having such difficulty going on? If he'd been able to say it gets better; If he'd been able to say he felt at home in this time; If he didn't feel so scared and lonely himself, could he have saved John?

Jack wasn't able to hold back his quiet sobs any longer. The tears fell quietly in to Ianto's hair and he was mortified at the sound of his broken breath. He clung to Ianto in his despair. He'd already left so many friends and lovers in the past, as they'd aged and died. As things stood today, he was bound to leave so many more behind, including Ianto. That was why, as he'd told John, going on, day after day, was only just...bearable.

Ianto lay pressed up against Jack, saying nothing. Jack's quiet sobs continued for several minutes, and still, Ianto said nothing. Jack felt the silent comfort radiating from the man he held to his chest so tightly. After he died, there was nothing. Blackness. But Ianto was a light shining in his today.

Jack's sobs eased. He felt himself relax by degrees against Ianto. Breathing in the scent of his hair, Jack realized he didn't feel quite so scared and alone.

"Jack?" Came the whisper in the dark.

"Yeah?" His voice was rough.

"What can I do?"

"You're doing it, Ianto."

"But how do I help you tomorrow? And the day after?"

"By giving me something to look forward to each day." Jack heard himself say, suddenly realizing it was true. Jack's loneliness was eased by the humor, kindness, playfulness and constancy that is; Ianto Jones.

"Did I remember to thank you for your help?" Jack asked.

"With what?"

"Setting up the identities. Taking them out shopping."

"It was my pleasure."

Ultimately, Jack realized what it was he'd failed to say to John; In your own time, or out of it, all anyone ever has for sure is today. And that's what you've got to live for. If you lament the past and keep your eyes too far in the future, you miss today.

And it's today that contains Ianto's scent and his warmth. And that makes it more than just bearable.


End file.
